Be Like a Duck

Original Post Date: July 15th, 2009

I had to laugh.

I'm not sure when the last time was that you spent some serious time in a coffee shop, but it's one of my favorite activities. When you spend enough time there with your book and your obligatory drink, and ignore both for long enough, everything seems to change. It starts to look different. Civilization starts to be revealed as a caricature. People start to look like kids playing at pretend. We're all playing house.

Underneath the line up, and the commentary on the economy, and the smiles and the thank you's... underneath the masks of living life properly are real people. And they're all kids. We're all kids. And we all have no idea what we're doing.

And while it's evident in everyone walking past the window, or waiting for their drink, I notice it most loudly in myself. I'm not sure what to do when life changes. I don't know how to act around my friends when bad things happen. I haven't the slightest idea how to go about bringing all the good things I know are out there into my own heart. I'm just guessing, like everyone else.

I once heard some great advice from my high school band teacher. If you aren't confident, fake it. Eventually, that fake confidence will breed real confidence.

When I'm upset at something or someone, I usually recite the mantra "I don't have time for..." I don't have time for situations that only cause discomfort. I don't have time for people who waste my time, or who aren't interested in my well-being. I don't have time for systems that are broken. I don't have time for immoral people.

I fake it a lot. Truth is, I do have time.

I have a friend who thinks that getting sick is funny, because you get to experience all of the strange sensations that the body does when its sick. No one's laughing at a migrane, but the experience is surreal. It's why I joke about being stabbed. I don't think it wouldn't hurt, but it would be a hell of an experience.

I've always found the same admiration with mental experiences. There is nothing quite like experiencing that strange mental, emotional experience when your mind is hurt (or, to be positive for a moment, deleriously overjoyed). It's a glimpse into that inner child who is desperately playing pretend with everything else. Those overwhelming concerns, that bewilderment, that euphoria... it's more who we are than any mask we enjoy wearing.

And it is then, that caricature is revealed in full. And it is funny. I spend countless hours reciting to myself "I don't have time for...". I catch myself obsessing about, as a greater priority than anything else, these things I suggest I don't have time for. At a glance of someone or the mere suggestion of something, my heart can jump into my throat, pounding so hard I can't see straight. My chest and fingertips are driven to that strange, cold, overwhelming nervousness with the greatest of ease. And, while I do my best to stand up straight, and I always look 'em square in the eyes, I feel like I will collapse at any moment.

And so, I cannot help but laugh. How could we not?

What strange world is this where we have rules and ethics and regulations and ego and all sorts of good intentions, yet our body still goes weak in a tense situation and our mind turns to mush. What beautiful comedy where the little can intimidate the big, and silence can condemn louder than words. Where the girl we really like and want to spend all of our time with, we can't say three words to. Where we can all line up for coffee, complain about our day to our friend, and then tell the cashier with a smile that we're doing just fine, thanks.

I love it.

We have no need to suffer. No need to be awkward. We have no time to not pursue happiness. Let's fake it until we believe it.

Paddle like hell,
- Z