Love has been a topic as of late. Not Truth = Love love, or the kind of love that poets talk about when they look at beautiful trees, or a cliff-side view. I mean the love that 16 year olds think of when you tell them the word. Love Actually kind of love.
I’ve seen it in my new co-workers, whose chief topics are other boys or girls. I see it on Facebook when the continually increasing number of moms talk about their increasing number of children. That takes a certain kind of lovin’. My once un-catchable, allergic-to-commitment friend has recently confessed to me her desire to find the perfect mate. My digital friend is crushed when she learns the hard truth that boys are just as flighty as girls. A pair of longtime lovers test their relationship by adding 2 careers and hundreds of kilometres of distance between them. Other friends talk of difficulties and squabbles in what is otherwise (they assure me) a great relationship. And others, silently, carry right along, as their relationships (some flawed, some beautiful, all dedicated) head into their 2nd, 3rd, and 4th years. Marriage photos flutter about everywhere this time of year.
My own heart leaps and falls these days – quite uncontrollably, as anyone who has emotionally lusted knows – over start-and-stop conversations, glances at people who don’t glance back, and over thoughts of old times (that are almost certainly better than the times were themselves). I suppose I truly opened my eyes to the pervasiveness of the topic when I remarked to my friend the other day that “it was about time that I found a gal.” Words that are just about sacrilege coming from my mouth, to be honest.
Of course, “finding a girl” is not exactly how it’s done, in my opinion. And there certainly are a number of opinions on the matter, I’ve found. My father, as we discussed business in Thailand joked that he wouldn’t have to worry about his son getting sidetracked with love, since I’ve nothing to offer anyone. He meant materially, of course. It’s true, aside from some emergency money, I’m pretty near broke. And he’s referencing a very classic view of partnershiping. Find the guy/gal with all the best attributes, and grab them.
Along this line of thought is the modern day view of partnership. It’s not so much about finding love, fostering it as a seed and helping it grow into something marvellous. Instead and pretending to be the same thing, it is about finding someone with all the attributes one is attracted to physically, materially and mentally, and then expecting a connection to be there. It’s a way of looking at a relationship, expecting them to look at you as a partner, but looking for them as if they were a commodity.
Often what’s laughable is how many people expect this method to work, and how hurt people are when it doesn’t. Connections don’t grow out of looking at people as “things that have stuff.” Connections grow out of looking at people as people, and helping be a part of their stuff.
There is a very easy analogy that helps express my point here. I bought a lottery ticket today. If I win the millions, I will be far more attractive to certain others than I would normally be. No doubt, all the beautiful gold diggers of Kelowna that prance around in next to nothing would no doubt suddenly find me a bit more handsome. Of course, we all roll our eyes at that, and find it detestable. And whether or not you are against the idea of buying sex, I think we can all agree that the connection I would have with any of these women would be slightly more dubious than the connection I currently have with my D&D buddies.
When we look for qualities rather than experience people, we tend towards the same fallacy as the bikini-clad gold diggers. Not saying it’s wrong, honest. Just saying don’t be surprised if that special “connection” isn’t there.
But when we seek to experience people as they are, we often get exposure to exactly all the qualities that we so adore.
The infamous quotation “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” floats around as the icon of another perspective for partnership: the audition/try-outs method. Another one I don’t agree with. It’s a nice thought to get people through breakups, or to help sustain them when their friends give them a rough time, but it’s not a good way to “go looking” for that special someone. I should never have to prove to you that I’m good enough. I already know that I will spend all of our time together trying earnestly to be good enough – that’s who I am, and what I’m genuinely interested in. But if you have a requirement that I prove it, if you’re asking me to prove it, you can go fuck yourself. Kthxbye.
As I’ve already hinted at, my perspective on love, on meaningful connections (and excellent sex) is not compatible with “going to find a gal”. Since it hinges on the acknowledgement of a person for who they are, we can’t go looking for certain perfect connections. Part of them is luck – enjoying the people who you encounter in your life, and seeing if a spark develops. Connections that way are more like magic, and less like a clinical version of hide-and-seek.
So, in that vein, I have to disagree with my father – now is when he should most worry about my “finding a woman.” Not because I’ve got one in my sights, but because I’m ripe with a spark that could become fire. I’m not yet hot stuff, but I’m full of very ignitable qualities.
Partnership, then, is not the art of finding a great fire to warm yourself with, but the art of asking someone else: Need a match?
I’ve just finished 8 years of higher education – 4 in acadamia, and 4 outside it. And it has prepared me for life, but hasn’t yet provided it. I know what I have, don’t have, and what it will take to close the gap between the two. I have a laundry list of great and terrible experiences to draw on, and yet I still have way too much to learn. I know what risks are, and I know exactly what it means to give my heart. I know that if there is one area of my life that I can and do follow through on – one in the myriad of start-and-never-finish goals I seem to set for myself – it is love. I know it because I’ve been there.
I have nothing, but I know exactly what it means to work towards something. And I know the beauty in sharing that with someone. It’s only up from here.
A last analogy: In D&D, and in any of the plethora of video games that are out there, we confine ourselves to “levelling up”. That’s the whole goal of the game, really. Grind through all the crap to get yourself to a higher level. And once you’re there, you feel fantastic. But the real connection you feel with your character – the real connection you feel with all the successes that you’ve had, comes from the act of levelling up with that character. If someone just hands you something that they’ve built, some random level 20 (or for you WoWers, level 80), it’s not the same. It’s not good enough to get someone else’s character. You want to experience it along side your character. You want to grow with them.
Nothing ever quite compares to embarking on a quest with your very own level 1. For those who’ve had the unfortunate luck of gaming out with me, they know that – to me – nothing is more exciting than those first few levels. And now, in real life, I’ve never felt more like a guy who’s exactly that.
My father always tries to clinch his position on relationships with the age old reality, and cultural wisdom: “you can’t eat love.”
I say, true. But you’ve got to love what you eat.
- Z
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